Pros and Cons

You have to hope that life will give you the tools you need to make it through tough situations. When you bring home that girl from the bar of questionable reputation, life makes sure you have that one last condom to save your junk. When you’re locked out of your house in the rain, life makes sure you can make a call on your cell phone to get you somewhere warm and dry. When you can take a look at the big picture, these situations are very comforting.

Then there are times when life gives you a crash course in lock rods and how to use a slim jim and expects you to steal your friend’s car. Martin stands staring at the car door, trying not to take note of Hilda’s things sitting inside.

“Hurry up, Martin!” yells Kiefo. Christ. Can’t he see that Martin’s in the middle of a moral dilemma? Hilda does owe money for this shitty car, but Martin isn’t a thief. He also tries not to be a bad friend. Friendship will sustain a blow from greed today, however. He needs the extra day for his loan, so he peels back the rubber from the car’s window and slides his slim jim into the gap. Luckily Hilda’s “new” car is kind of a shitpile and doesn’t have any sort of lock rod protection built in. Unlocking the door is surprisingly easy. Martin quickly stows the slim jim and opens up the door, thereby signaling to Kiefo that the car is ready for repossession. Kiefo then signals Rico, who hops down out of the truck and jogs heavily over to Hilda’s car.

He breathes deeply as he congratulates Martin. “You’re lucky, man. Dealing with the owners ain’t too much fun.”

“Yeah, I bet.” Martin can only imagine the look of betrayal he’d receive from Hilda if she were to find him helping the man take her baby away. The sound of the engine coming to life snaps him back to the moment at hand. Rico is inhumanly fast at hotwiring. Martin can see a cool sense of pride on his face.

Rico then rolls down the driver’s side window and peeks his head and moustache out, “Good to go, man. You wanna ride in the car or with Kiefo?”

“What’s the difference? Pros and cons?” Martin asks knowing that he really just wants to get away regardless of manner.

“The difference is that I’m the pro and he’s the con.” Ha. Rico. You win.

“Not much of an argument for riding with Kiefo, then!” Martin scoots around to the other side of the car and hops into the shotgun seat. Rico pulls the car out and around the moving truck, flipping Kiefo off in the process.

“We’ll just drop this off back at the HQ and then Kiefo will pick us up,” says Rico, looking unbearably like a typical gangster as he leans back in Hilda’s seat.

“Even after you gave him that bird back there?”

“Ha. That puta can suck on these if he thinks he’s gonna be el jefe forever, man,” says Rico, with one hand on the steering wheel and one firmly grabbing his crotch. Martin manages to avoid looking.

“What, are you gonna oust him from his throne or something?” this ambitious Mexican repo man has piqued Martin’s curiosity.

“Naw, ese, you think I’m gonna be moving shit for the rest of my life? I have plans.” There’s a sort of desperate hope in Rico’s last statement that makes Martin uncomfortable. He doesn’t dare continue down the same conversational path.

“So where are we headed after this?” Let’s change the subject.

“I dunno, man. Kiefo keeps the clipboard with all of the forms on it. We’ll figure that out when he picks us up from HQ.”

“Okay,” Martin looks around for something to joke about, but all he sees are Hilda’s things. “What happens with all of the lady’s stuff that isn’t the car?” There’s only an odd assortment of items in the back seat, but Martin still feels overwhelmingly guilty.

“She’s free to come get that, I guess. Otherwise it just stays locked up in the lot with the car.” With the car. Fuck. Hilda’s going to get done at the lab and then come outside to find her car missing. Hopefully she expects this, though. She knew she was behind. Martin had tried to convince her that God wasn’t going to pay for her car, but she was really out of options. It always amazed Martin that someone who was capable of even getting a job at a good laboratory was so financially irresponsible, yet here he was, stealing her things in order to get back his own. Perhaps he was not one to be judging so quickly.

What's in a name?

“So. Repo Guy. Do you have a name?” Zeus. The Hulk. Juggernaut. All of these seem appropriate and expected.

“Name’s Kiefo, little man.” Martin already feels strange riding in the back of the moving truck sitting on his own couch, feeling every bump in the city streets as they roll toward their first victim as a team. The strangeness is amplified by the two large men on either side of him, Rico and Kiefo, who looked poised to crush him if he makes a wrong move. Add into all this that Repo Man’s name is Kiefo. This name is too much.

“Kiefo? Jesus. Was that the name carved on the shaft of the spear they gave you when you-“ A quick punch to the arm from Rico cuts Martin’s racism short. Ow.

“Watch what you’re saying, ese. Kiefo’s the boss around here.” King of the moving van? What a huge deal.

“That’s right, little man. You keep your damn ignorance to yourself or I’ll leave you on the street near some boys who I know will treat you real nice.” The two brutes seem satisfied with their display of dominance.

“Well, as it is I like to keep my male interactions strictly professional, but I’d absolutely take you up on that if I were into dudes.” Neither of Martin’s couchmates are particularly amused by his antics, but the driver lets out a chuckle. Martin: 1, Brutes: 0.

“Anyhow.” Repo Man is a tank, built to brush off silly implications with ease. “Kiefo’s short for Kiefer. If that one’s easier on your white bread brain, have at it. It’s all yours. Now Martin, we should be pulling up to our next delinquent soon, and that job’s gonna be all yours.” What is that fucking grin? It’s unsettling. Kiefo is grinning at Rico like they’re about to sodomize Martin for a few hours.

“How can it be all mine? Do they just have small stuff?” At this point, Martin’s just hoping he doesn’t have to take anything from a guy as large as the brutes.

Kiefo hands Rico his clipboard. Martin tries to steal a glance, but no such luck. As Rico glances up and down the clipboard, a wide smile stretches out beneath his gloriously thick moustache. “Naw, man, next one’s auto.” Rico is annoyingly happy.

“Otto?”

“Automobile, man. This lady’s behind on her loan payments. That new car’s gonna have to go back.”

“Pulling up to the labs, Kiefo!” At this cue, Kiefo stands up and grabs onto a strap near the opening between the front and back of the van.

“Labs?” Not…Peterson Labs? Please not Peterson Labs.

“Alright, Martin, you ready to make Ms. Jenkins pay her dues?” Martin’s eyes visibly widen. Shit. Honestly, he never could have predicted this, but perhaps he should have thought for a second longer when he was given the opportunity to repossess things for the day. Hilda wasn’t going to be very happy; she had just gotten that car.