Repo!

Visitor: Knock knock.
Martin: Who's there?
Visitor: Repo! You Mr. Avery?

Fuck. The bastards are victorious.

"Uh, look, Martin's not here right now, can I take a message?" Martin edges nervously away from his door and back down the hallway toward his bedroom.

"Very funny, Mr. Avery, but we're here to take your shit. Y'owe the bank eight thousand." Repo Man sounds surprisingly bored during preliminary discussion.

"You must be thinking of my roommate, actually," he yells down the hall. "Ray is always getting behind on payments and stuff. One day he's gonna learn his lesson, right?"

"Look! We got your loan application with YOUR signature on it, so open up this door or we come in through the window."

But isn't that breaking and entering...maybe? "Isn't that br-" before the words can be properly formed, the sound of breaking glass comes from the living room. Martin peeks out from the hallway to see a crowbar knocking out a third pane of glass in one of his front windows. Goddammit. They are going to take his furniture, or maybe even - God forbid - his new TV. All because he was too hungover to see that it was time for his daily appointment with avoiding Repo Man.

Two movers are inside with a third standing in the doorway in no time flat. Martin leans against the wall dejectedly, curiously watching the methods of the men who are legally robbing him right now. "You know, I would have had the money tomorrow," mutters Martin.

Repo Man is a foreboding dark wall of a man, but the fact that his arm's in a sling makes Martin slightly less uncomfortable when Repo Man lets out a bellowing laugh. "That sounds like some bullshit right there," he looks at Martin, then back down at his clipboard, shaking his head the entire time.

"I'm not even joking. That's the sad part." Martin watches two linebackers heft his couch out his front door. "I got the loan for a friend, and he's paying me tomorrow. I figured I could avoid you people until then." He worries for a second that he's going to have to play the stupid "you people?!" game with Repo Man, but Repo Man makes no sign indicating that he's noticed Martin's double entendre.

"Mr. Avery, you just need to make sure you pay your bills on time, alright?"

What. "As if I'm taking life lessons from someone who probably graduated last in his class from the eighth grade."

The men carrying out the furniture look nervously at their manager as they continue to drag out Martin's creature comforts. Repo Man has his arm in a sling, but there's still little doubt that he could crush this scraggly-haired white boy in dirty pajamas without batting an eye. "Hey asshole, you think I got this job 'cause I'm stupid? Maybe I just like busting irresponsible dicks like you when they can't manage their lives. THEY are the stupid ones."

"Oh right, and how many of them do you see doing the job of a fucking pack mule?" On the outside, Martin is steely and stoic, but on the inside he's bracing for a good old-fashioned ass-beating.

Nope. Repo Man just starts laughing again as he looks Martin up and down. "Pack mule? At least I could actually lift your shit if my arm wasn't all fucked up."

Shit. When it came to fitness, Martin was a scrawny bitch. Repo Man was a fucking titan. "I don't know, man, I could probably surprise you." He couldn't. One huge part of stand-up is bravado, and Martin had a refrigerator jammed full of liquid bravado.

Now all of the muscle is laughing at Martin. He's good at his job. "Little man, if you could pick up some of my slack for the day, you could HAVE that extra day. Hell, we'll even move your shit back in if you come up with the money."

First the Repo Man knocks at Martin's door. Now opportunity is really wailing on it. "Are you serious? I come try to take stuff with you guys and I can have an extra day to pick up my money?"

"You got it."

"No no, YOU got it. Let me change my clothes." Martin runs back into his bedroom to change out of his drinking pajamas.

One of the other repossession guys, a heavyset Mexican man, doesn't look too excited about the opportunity to work with Martin Avery, the alcoholic stand-up comedian. "Whoa, man, are you kidding me? How's he going to be any help with heavy shit? I don't think that really counts as replacement."

"Naw, Rico, Mr. Avery's gonna be doing our dirty work. Next guy on the list is behind on his car payments."

Everyone is all smiles when Martin gets back into the living room wearing a t-shirt and jeans. "Alright, I'm ready for work."

Rico really perks up with a grin now. "Shit, ese, this is gonna be FUN."